Table of Contents
Generosity versus. Over-giving
Generosity is about giving freely and abundantly. Practicing generosity can enhance self-esteem and is an important indicator of a lasting relationship. Being generous also makes us feel better about ourselves.
Generosity acts as a self-confidence builder that helps you focus on the positives while taking your attention away from negativities. When it comes to relationships, selflessness and giving are often seen as good qualities. Sometimes people prefer to give rather than receive because generosity can be its own reward.
There are two main goals when people give gifts: they want the recipient to be happy, and they want to strengthen the interpersonal bond between the giver and the recipient. Generous giving is achieved by offering gifts without expecting anything in return, especially when we have a surplus to offer—whether it is time, money, or energy.
This behavior enables us to feel good about ourselves and energized. Essentially, gifts can act as mood and social boosters that demonstrate our feelings to the recipient.
But what if we give too much, or if we become “too generous”? Are you a generous partner or an over-giver?
Healthy relationships are built on both giving and receiving. Even in the healthiest relationships, however, there is no guarantee that both partners will give and receive equally. Some people naturally give more because they want to express their affection and care for their partner.
However, a relationship can become imbalanced and problematic when there is a significant lack of reciprocity. When giving does not come from a place of love, care, and affection, it may create patterns that harm the relationship.
There are several reasons why people over-give. Firstly, over-givers are often associated with low self-confidence and self-esteem. They may have a deep-seated belief that they should or ought to give more in order to receive affection and attention.
Over-giving can also be a sign of co-dependency, which refers to excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. An NBC News article described such relationships as “an imbalance of power that favors the needs of the taker, leaving the giver to keep on giving.”
People may also over-give because they want some form of control in a relationship. They might feel insecure and fear that their partner could become unhappy or leave if they stop giving excessively. In these cases, gifts may become a subtle form of manipulation.
Over-givers sometimes give with the expectation of receiving something in return—whether material gifts or non-material ones such as loyalty, reassurance, or love.
Another subtle reason for excessive gift-giving is the desire to improve one’s self-image or to compensate for past mistakes. People may give gifts from a place of shame or guilt, using them as substitutes for their feelings.
For example, a busy father or husband might buy extravagant gifts for his children and wife because he feels guilty about not spending enough time with his family. However, gifts alone cannot resolve these feelings or fix underlying problems.
True generosity brings joy and appreciation, while over-giving can become burdensome and even toxic.
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Narcissists and Gift Giving
Narcissism is characterized by an overinflated sense of self-importance and entitlement (Grapsas, Brummelman, Back, & Denissen, 2020).
Narcissists are often associated with manipulative and aggressive behaviors. They tend to lack empathy and consideration for others. According to a study mentioned in Psychology Today, narcissists may give gifts to gain control in relationships or to fulfill their personal desires.
Here are some of the hidden needs narcissists may seek through gift-giving:
1. To Show Off and Be the Center of Attention
Narcissists may choose extravagant or lavish gifts to display their wealth, status, or knowledge. Their desire to show off allows them to promote themselves and gain admiration and approval from others.
2. To Control Others
Gift-giving with “strings attached” can be a manipulation tactic used by narcissists to gain something important to them. An article on gift-giving with strings attached suggests that such actions often carry two types of messages: the surface statement and the ulterior statement.
- The surface statement is the direct message that is seen or heard.
- The ulterior statement refers to the deeper intention behind the message, including hidden thoughts, ideas, or expectations.
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For example:
“Here’s my gift for you” (surface statement) may actually imply:
“Now you should praise me and maintain a relationship with me” (ulterior statement).
During the research for this topic, I also came across a website where people shared their experiences with narcissistic partners. These stories help readers recognize red flags and avoid falling victim to manipulative behavior.
A recovering narcissistic abuse survivor named Tracy shared her experience. She explained that her partner often won people’s affection by insisting on paying for dinners and giving expensive gifts to build friendships. However, these actions came from a place of insecurity.
Her partner frequently showered others with luxury gifts as a way to gain validation and approval. Eventually, Tracy recognized the unhealthy pattern, left the relationship, and was able to move forward to live a happier life.
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Concluding Thoughts
Ultimately, being truly generous is to show affection and appreciation towards others with thoughtful gifts, or to treat our friends to a nice meal.
However, we do not offer these gifts to control, carry obligations, and cultivate obedience in our loved ones. Generosity giving is an act of kindness but also an act of intention.
The purpose of gift-giving is to love not to hurt. No one loves the feeling of receiving strings-attached gifts with threats included.
As a recipient, he or she may experience confusion and anxiety as they perceive that something is going wrong beneath the "surface", but are unable to discern the actual message the over-giver is trying to convey.
This will eventually lead to negative emotions and developing perpetuate toxic relationships.
If you are seeing yourselves in the tendency of involving a strings-attached gift-giving pattern, be aware and be assertive of what you are receiving and follow your instincts.
Observe carefully and conclude the important messages behind the gifts. Always prioritize your feelings and own needs by politely saying no to the gifts.
Permitting yourself to decline these gifts can help you establish healthy boundaries and enables others to have clarity about what gifts are being given to you, as well as relationship expectations.
On the other hand, as a giver, it is important to determine your motive and intentions. Is this "truly" a gift or are you expecting something in return?
If there's indeed a string attached, be sure to tell your receiver and make it clear about your intentions (what you expected in return).
Being able to fully express yourselves and finding out your true feelings is the greatest gift you can give.
Megan Lee,,
Psychology Blogger,
The Shared Secrets Lab,
GiftAFeeling Inc
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GiftAFeeling's Shared Secrets Lab (TSSL) is the world's #1 R&D lab focusing in gifting-psychology, particularly corporate gifts, promotional products, and branded merchandise. Led by industry SMEs, globe thought leaders, and psychologists, TSSL helps organizations pick products that are meaningful and kept, rather than getting tossed out!
