Table of Contents
Positive gift-giving behavior is widely discussed and researched. Notwithstanding, it is beneficial to contemplate what characteristics make people increasingly prone to participate in apathetic gift-giving behaviors.
Selfishness rather than selflessness can sometimes take effect when engaging in gift-giving as a form of control, a manipulation tactic to yield into the desires of the giver.
The agreeableness personality trait is positively associated with niceness, thus the opposite, i.e., disagreeableness, is associated with using gifts as an outstanding debt that one is anticipated to repay sometime later.
Sociosexuality is another reason people use gifts in order to escalate a relationship to fulfill their end goal which is sexual access.
Lacking in self-esteem also plays a significant part because it is used to make up for the fact that these people hold themselves in a low regard.
From the dark triad perspective, gifts are used to placate their need to display a show to obtain recognition by any means necessary.
Altogether, taking situations such as receiving gifts, at face value can be fatal in some instances hence it is helpful to dig deeper when in doubt about toxic gift-giving.
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Reasoning Behind Gifting
Gifting employees creates a sense of connection and belonging within the organization. It helps them feel appreciated for their hard work, which is a key element of workplace appreciation.
Corporate gifting is also an effective way to celebrate employee achievements and milestones. It can improve retention rates, boost morale, and increase overall job satisfaction.
According to Statistics Canada, work-from-home opportunities increased significantly during the COVID-19 pandemic. The percentage rose from 4% in 2016 to 32% in 2021.
While remote work offers flexibility, customized work environments, and cost savings, it also reduces social interaction among coworkers. It may limit team building, collaboration, and innovation.
Thoughtful gifts can help bridge this gap by building trust and rapport with employees. They serve as a tangible expression of appreciation and demonstrate care for employee well-being.
Customized work-from-home survival kits are an excellent example of employee gifting. These kits empower employees to stay productive while reinforcing that the company values their work-life balance.
A survival kit may include essentials such as stationery, desk supplies, exercise equipment, health care items, technology accessories, or stress-relief products. Such corporate gifts act as extrinsic motivators that enhance job satisfaction and productivity.
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Since establishing social alliances and maintaining them is inherent among human beings, giving gifts is associated with being a good person.
Following this thought, gift-giving is viewed as a prosocial behavior enacted to build relationships and maintain them to the best of abilities (Jonason et al., 2012).
Such a characteristic is undoubtedly positively correlated with the agreeableness personality trait, an apparent measure of warmth.
Agreeableness has a lot to do with a caring nature which is a fundamental aspect of gift giving. However, from another perspective, gift giving can sometimes be leveraged as a form of control, where agreeableness is negatively correlated with the motive of manipulating the receiver into surrendering to the giver's desires.
People possessing antisocial traits are more inclined to execute such selfish behaviors and are distinguished by disagreeableness (Jonason et al., 2012).
Along the same lines, those who possess agreeableness characteristics may exhibit positive gift giving behavior to show affection, but there can be an underlying intention of gift-giving as a form of control, for instance, to incur debt so that the receiver owes a favor to the giver to be extracted at a later time (Jonason et al., 2012).
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Another reason people may give gifts is due to sociosexuality, which describes people’s willingness to engage in casual sex without relationship commitment (Fernández Del Río et al., 2019). Hence, gifts are used as a means of rapidly fast-forwarding the relationship to satisfy their end goal — a sexual agenda.
In these instances, gift giving can subtly become a form of control, where sociosexual individuals are more inclined to take advantage of others to gratify their personal needs, in this case, “buying” access to sex. Interestingly, the sociosexuality trait has a secondary intent of wanting to return a favor or with reference to an apology (Jonason et al., 2012). Yet, all these reasons tacitly advance sexual access in any way possible to win the receiver’s heart.
Additionally, people who have low self-esteem utilize gift giving as an attempt to compensate for how they perceive themselves. Because they have such low self-confidence, gifts may be used so that the receiver can gauge their own value based on the quality of the gift. It is used to amplify their self-worth as they do not believe in themselves and are constantly doubtful.
To insinuate feelings for them, those low in self-esteem use gifts to fill that emptiness as opposed to those who have a high self-esteem (Jonason et al., 2012). Thus, holding low self-esteem is linked to making the receiver agree to go on a date with them, having an expectation of getting the favor returned, to express well-intentions on a special occasion, and to make the receiver fall for them.
Sex also comes into play, in that most males low in self-esteem exhibited gift giving in quest of a sexual agenda.
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The Underlying Selfishness In Gifting
In many ways, gift exchange forges an alliance between individuals. Generally, the reasons behind gift-giving revolve around special occasions like birthdays, relationship maintenance, and fostering growth in a relationship (Jonason et al., 2012).
Gift exchange is most pronounced during the holiday season, mainly to enrich social ties and spread affection. In this manner, the mere act of giving can be seen as a selfless act wherein the benefits are reaped by the receiver at the cost of the giver.
This cost can take many forms, including one’s time, resources, and bodily risk (Prewett et al., 2019). Yet, in certain contexts, giving can become a means of selfish gain, or even a subtle exercise of control, where the intent is as much about influencing the receiver as it is about the act of giving itself.
In other instances, people give to benefit the receiver as a way of supporting them emotionally, either to nullify negative feelings or amplify positive ones. Those who typically value these factors often exhibit at least one of the dark triad traits, which will be discussed below.
The Role Of The Dark Triad
The three callous personality traits known as the dark triad were devised by two researchers, Paulhus and Williams (2002). These negative personality traits, when stirred together, can create destructive outcomes (Booth, 2021).
- Narcissism: a feeling of superiority and entitlement that can override what in actuality lies underneath, that is the sense of inadequacy.
- Machiavellianism: manipulation flows through their blood, which makes them willing to go to any extent in order to get what they want, and ironically, they have a cynical view of the world.
This often manifests in behaviors like "toxic gift giving," where the act of giving is used as a manipulative tool rather than an expression of kindness.
- Psychopathy: empathy is a foreign feeling hence they are emotionally detached and at the same time they are known for taking big leaps of risk and are impulsive. If they were to participate in prosocial behavior, it would most likely be to charm others.
A common characteristic among all three traits is indifference toward others and an unhealthy obsession with the self, suggesting little or no conscience (Booth, 2021).
Even so, depending on the circumstances, individuals with these traits may still exhibit prosocial behavior.
Machiavellianism
People who score high on the Machiavellianism scale are less inclined to display genuinely positive gift-giving behavior. Their actions can shift depending on the situation; in the presence of friends, they may present themselves as altruistic, but when alone, their behavior often becomes more egocentric.
Nevertheless, if there are potential advantages to participating in gift-giving, such as an increase in social status, this can motivate them to engage in normative behaviors. In such cases, the act of giving is not driven by generosity, but by strategy.
This is where toxic gift giving comes into play, as it is used to enhance personal image and gain recognition. Recognition holds great significance for them, and they may even go against their own beliefs to obtain that acknowledgment (Jonason et al., 2012).
Narcissism
Similar to Machiavellianism, individuals who score high on the narcissism scale also display a disregard for others. Due to their low empathy and strong need to boost their ego, they are less likely to engage in gift-giving out of genuine care.
In romantic relationships, narcissists often give gifts not out of love, but as a form of control. Through gift giving, they attempt to create a false sense of security, which can later be used to obtain power and future rewards.
In the context of donations, narcissists are primarily motivated by status and power rather than an innate desire to help others. Overall, individuals with these traits tend to engage in prosocial behavior only when there is personal gain, such as increased social status or recognition.
As a result, their actions frequently align with what can be described as toxic gift-giving (Jonason et al., 2012).
Conclusion
To sum it up, gift giving was explored by assessing individual differences that influence why people give gifts. Specific traits such as agreeableness, sociosexuality, low self-esteem, and the dark triad personality traits were found to play a significant role.
When linking all these factors together, it may appear on the surface that givers act with good intentions. However, in certain cases, the act can be more insidious, resembling gift giving as a form of control, particularly when influenced by darker personality traits.
It is crucial to recognize that what seems like generosity may sometimes be a strategy to exert influence or control. Being mindful of these negative aspects is an effective way to remain cautious.
Inara Nanji
Psychology Blogger,
The Shared Secrets Lab,
GiftAFeeling Inc
FAQs
Is giving gifts a form of manipulation?
Gift giving can be a form of manipulation if used to influence someone’s behavior or decisions in a covert way. It’s crucial to assess the intent behind the gift. Genuine gifts aim to show appreciation and strengthen relationships, not to gain undue influence or control over the recipient.
Is gift-giving a trauma response?
Gift-giving can sometimes be a trauma response, particularly if it's used to seek approval or mend strained relationships. This behavior might stem from past experiences where one felt the need to give gifts to feel accepted or loved. It's important to recognize and address such patterns for healthier relationships.
Why do manipulators give gifts?
Manipulators give gifts to exert control or influence over others. This tactic creates a sense of obligation, making the recipient feel indebted. It’s a strategy to sway decisions, build dependence, or gain favor. Recognizing the intent behind such gifts is key to maintaining personal boundaries and healthy relationships.
What to do if someone gives you a bad gift?
If someone gives you a bad gift, respond with gratitude for the thought and effort. It's polite to thank them without being dishonest about your appreciation. You can later decide whether to keep, donate, or repurpose the gift. Remember, it's the gesture that counts, not the item itself.
Why are some people bad gift-givers?
Some people are bad gift-givers because they may not understand the recipient's interests or preferences. They might lack insight into what makes a thoughtful gift or be constrained by budget or time. It's not always a lack of care, but rather a mismatch between intention and execution.
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